The Power of Silence
Awkward silence—it’s one of the most unbearable social situations, especially for extroverts like me. But powerful silence is one of the most impressive acts of human interaction imaginable.
During a recent interview (link at the end), Elon Musk took 21 seconds to start answering a question. Prominent scientist and podcaster Lex Fridman interviewed Elon and asked, “When do you think SpaceX will land a human begin on Mars?”
Elon replied, “hmm,” but didn’t utter a word for 21 seconds.
Many listeners thought the audio cut out, but Elon’s pondering caused the quietness. Silence of this extent is unusual. Most of us can’t stand the “awkwardness” and quickly launch into scripted monologues to keep the conversation moving.
But not Elon Musk, and equally impressive, not Lex Fridman. There’s more to learn from this silent exchange than from most conversations.
When I started podcasting, I struggled to let guests finish speaking. Desperate to keep the conversations engaging, I’d interject with my thoughts or more questions. I was more worried about what to say next than listening to what was said. In hindsight, I deprived the listeners by not allowing the guests to complete their thoughts or space to think.
Lex Fridman is a master interviewer. Most hosts, myself included, would have intervened. I probably would’ve felt the need to fill space by saying something like, “give me a ballpark estimate, I know you can’t know for sure,” or something similar (and equally valueless). But Lex allowed Elon space to think, creating a fascinating and beautiful moment.
In response to the viral exchange, Fridman said:
“Silence is one of the most intimate things that two people can share with each other because it’s having a trust that you’re on the same page.”
Elon Musk is a master thinker. He famously employs the first principles framework rather than reasoning by analogy. First-principles is a physics-like method of seeing the world, “boiling things down to the fundamental truths,” and building from there.
Most people don’t bother exerting the mental energy to think this way. Instead, they compare new ideas to old ones, only iterating on existing concepts.
The first-principles mental model allows Elon to see solutions where others aren’t looking. But it also requires time to think. It’s helped him become the world’s richest person while simultaneously bucking the status quo of how CEOs are “supposed” to act. His individuality has ruffled feathers, but it’s propelled him to create innovative companies and earned him droves of loyal followers.
Elon could’ve quickly spouted a generic, unthoughtful answer to Lex’s question about Mars. But it would’ve been dishonest. He could have regurgitated corporate taglines or changed the topic. But he’s genuinely interested in the discussion and wanted to answer the question truthfully. To do so, he needed to think.
So he took his time.
Here are three things I’m doing to become a person who listens intently and thinks before speaking:
Shut up and listen — As a kid, my parents and teachers described me as a smart-aleck more than I’d care to admit — sorry, Mom. While I can’t change my outgoing nature and love of banter, I can shut up when appropriate and listen. I’m working on listening intently — less like a cat ready to pounce at the first opportunity. By listening more, I’ll better determine when someone needs a response or simply my ear.
Slow down — the world is full of things we cannot control, and wasting time worrying about them is fruitless. We can control what we say and how we say it; thus, our words deserve attention and energy. Zeno, the founder of Stoic philosophy, is credited with saying, “Better to trip with the feet than the tongue.” A physical tumble may cause a scuffed knee or hand, but one can irreversibly damage their reputation or hurt someone else when they speak without thinking.
Use silence when it’s more effective than words — anger is the most destructive emotion — it hijacks our ability to reason and empathize. It mutes the best parts of our nature and amps up the worst. Outrage is often encouraged and incentivized, but silence is more powerful. When faced with confrontational situations, I’ll try to resist the temptation to let anger-induced temporary insanity take hold and be silent until the time is proper for a tactful response. It’s worth noting that some people are not worth engaging with at all because they will not hear logic and reason.
I’m working to be a better listener like Lex, and a better thinker, like Elon. I can’t wait to share more intimate moments and deeper connections with those around me as a result.
