Choosing the Right Influences
My wife and I don’t usually let our toddler in our bed, but one time, in a moment of fatherly weakness, I scooped up my little girl and flung her onto the mattress. She loved it — gigglingly demanding I toss her over and over again. To a toddler, there’s no such thing as “once.” You think you’re making an exception, but a toddler sees a precedent. I’m learning this the hard way.
Every action I take in my daughter’s view acknowledges acceptability. And every word I utter in her presence is a declaration of permissibility. Yikes.
Nothing makes you more aware of your faults than watching a child mimic them. I want my daughter to be better than me. Initially, I thought this meant not acting a certain way in front of her. I’ve since realized it means not acting a certain way at all. How can I expect something of her while being dishonest about myself?
That doesn't mean you have to have robotic consistency in your actions. One can’t be expected to be the same on a guy's trip to the lake as at a kid's birthday party or Mother’s Day brunch. Instead, I mean to always act like the type of person I want to model to her — I am human, after all.
How do we learn how to act, what to think, and how to treat others? Academics, psychologists, and educators all have thoughts on these core aspects of human behavior, but I think the most critical factor is modeling. In short, we act and think like people we’re around and those we admire.
It’s easy to see this in children. When I meet my friend's kids, they are often just like them. They use similar words, have the same interests, and typically model their social skills. The children of people who effortlessly interact with others, are relatable, and make others around them feel comfortable usually have kids who can easily navigate complex social situations.
Likewise, people who are hesitant in their interactions with others and find conversations difficult have children who are more tentative in interacting with strangers. Parents who watch sports all day tend to raise kids interested in sports. Musician parents are more likely to raise children with heightened interests in music. This isn’t scientific — it’s just my observations and not valid in every case.
It’s harder to see the impact of modeling with adults and almost impossible when examining ourselves. But I’m convinced the effect is just as meaningful in adults as in children, more so if you consider the multiplier effect since children go on to model these adults.
Have you ever reconnected with a friend after several years have passed and felt “they’ve changed?” Naturally, they’ve changed, and you likely did, too, and probably to the same extent. When you were attached to this person's hip, the two of you were modeling the same people and each other, so you had a lot in common (and growing), and when you changed, you changed in similar manners. But when you went separate ways, so did many of your models, and thus, you transformed differently.
I’ve witnessed people change for better and for worse. It’s encouraging to watch someone who once struggled with life’s course emerge like a butterfly bursting out of its cocoon, totally transformed. It’s equally disheartening to watch someone with great potential, positive morals, and a lovely personality become self-centered, condescending, and greedy. In both scenarios, you can trace the behavior changes to model changes.
I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve almost fallen prey to poor modeling choices several times. It doesn't happen overnight, and it’s challenging to detect in oneself. As with physical changes in weight or physique, the differences are unnoticeable from day to day, but after months or years, one can become unrecognizable.
Modeling is how vices and virtues are transmitted. The importance of modeling others isn’t new and is captured in dozens of well-known quotes. Author Jim Rohn is frequently attributed to one of them, “You’re the average of the five people spend the most time with.” I agree with the intent but not the specifics. Yes, the people you spend time with significantly influence you, but impactful models go far beyond the five closest, including people you don’t even know.
The hosts of the news programs you watch, the creators of your favorite podcasts, the authors of the books you love, and your friends' friends all can impact your views, habits, and outcomes. I’d re-write that quote to say, “you’re the average of all the messages that reach you.”
In the same vein, “show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future” is another prevalent quote on auditing relationships. David Burkus examined this idea by exploring several studies that analyzed the cause-and-effect relationship of family and friends on weight gain and smoking. He concluded, “Your friends really are your future. And the implication is that you don’t just need to be more deliberate about who you’re spending the most time with. You need to be examining your entire network and its influence on your life.”
Those around you have the power to make you healthy, happy, and optimistic, but they can also make you unhealthy, miserable, and pessimistic. Unfortunately, it likely won’t be apparent to the unaware individual which direction they are being pulled. Vices, at first, are disguised as well-deserved rewards, ways to impress others, social norms, or even human nature. But just like my daughter playing on the bed, once becomes again and again.
Fortunately, virtue works in much the same way. When you surround yourself with people and messages that reflect who you want to be, you can’t help but be that way. You may not sense the changes at first, but you will eventually, and so will those around you.
It’s trite, I know, but I can’t overstate the significance of carefully curating the people and messaging in your life— your future self depends on good judgment here. Upgrade your models if you feel unhappy with your current environment, behavior, or results. And if you know someone who is struggling, know that you are impacting their future behavior by being near them, even if to the slightest degree.
Be a transmitter of virtue, not vices.
